I hate self-help books. Here’s my interpretation of reading a self-help book.

I am going to tell you this.

Then I’m going to tell you that.

Are you ready for me to tell you this?

I don’t think you are so really look into yourself.

Now are you ready?

Are you sure?

Last chance, because I’m going to tell you now.

We’re all seeking love and acceptance.

I hope you have now learned what I told you.

If you haven’t, buy my next book.

I had to get that out of my system because I’m about to recommend—maybe for the first time ever—a self-help book. The Fisherman’s Wife mailed it to me after I got thrown out of the house on Christmas. She’s a therapist. Kind of makes sense that my best friend is a therapist, huh?

Anyway, I started reading this book on Friday and can barely put it down. If you’re like me, you’re going to get weirded out by the title but here goes—Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self. Even though my mom threw me out of the house on Christmas for saying that she had three husbands in an essay I wrote (btw, it is a fact that she had three husbands), I didn’t want to think of her as a narcissist. That would be mean.

But, the Fisherman’s Wife sent me a self-help book about a year ago that I never read so I felt bad enough to actually start reading this one. Woo-wee. Fascinating stuff. Basically, our society is narcissistic, right? We value the shallow. And we all have narcissistic traits, it’s just some people let those traits define their lives while others don’t. I see myself, my husband, my friends, my family, little pieces of lots of people’s lives unfolding in this book. Our patterns explained and defined. It makes me feel more compassionate and at peace.

For instance, I am a person that doesn’t help out around the house very much. It’s a facet of narcissism. I am content to let my husband do my laundry and dishes. He has a narcissistic parent that also has that behavior. In choosing me as a wife, we perpetuate the pattern where my husband must cater to my needs in that way instead of a stronger balance.

Second instance, my husband is a person that doesn’t highly value stability. He would rather quit a job that he doesn’t like instead of putting up with it until he has another job lined up. That means that I am required to be our breadwinner, keeping our life financially stable for the both of us but in the process prioritizing my husband’s happiness as higher than my own. My husband and I are working on breaking that pattern as well as the negotiations on housework.

So, if it sounds interesting, I actually do give it a thumbs up despite my narcissistic self that thinks I don’t need self-help books. Haha.

This week’s joys:

Bought a bag of Stumptown coffee, so expensive but so good.

Taking a walk in the rain with my husband.

Getting a picture text of the Fisherman’s Wife’s son at his 1st birthday party in the outfit I bought him.

Starting to plan my next big trip. Myanmar, here we come!

Sitting by our tiny urban firepit at sunset with a glass of wine and a book

Holding the Actor’s Wife’s new son and watching him totally chill out in my arms

Catching up on Parks and Recreation. Love that show.

(Source: -nivek, via loveyourchaos)

When we are happy we don’t hurt others.

My husband was watching the Black Power Mixtape this week while I was getting ready for work and I caught that line from the voiceover just as I was walking out the door. I’ve been thinking about that ever since.

Maybe happiness doesn’t mean being positive and sneezing rainbows every day. In fact, recently, I’ve been thinking that happiness is accepting every part of myself, being accountable for my behavior, not holding onto shame, making sure I apologize when I need to. Tough stuff but the shift really is bringing forward a deeper sense of happiness.

I’ve been doing those To Do lists. Things get carried over each week, and it feels fine. I haven’t been feeling the stress that I normally do about not having enough time to get everything done. I get the important things checked off the list—both changing my bank and taking a yoga class. Other things will happen later—taking a meditation class and scheduling an orthodontist appointment. Little by little, I’m getting there. Peace. Calm. Balanced.

People will feel angry at me. People will feel hurt by me. People will believe that I should drive faster on the freeway, slower on the freeway, that I should listen better, that I should speak up more. People will think that I am embarrassing, that I’m too shy, that I’m not social enough, that I don’t return emails fast enough. As my husband likes to remind me, Haters gonna hate. But that has nothing to do with me as long as my happiness starts from a quiet place, when it comes from deep within. When I’m happy, I don’t hurt people, not intentionally.

And also according to my husband, the Black Power Mixtape was one of the best movies of the year. Watching it later today to see this amazing quote fall into context. I’ll be sure to get the specific quote and who said it when I do.

This week’s joys:

Margin Call—another terrific movie.

Gold Glitter nail polish—so subtle that it still looks great even when it chips!

Have you read The Hunger Games yet? Still living in the joy of reading that trilogy.

My husband—after Christmas especially, I’ve been reminded how incredibly lucky I am that he’s mine.

Taking a shower until the water runs cold—sorry, planet, but I love long showers.

The Fisherman’s Wife’s son—almost his 1-year birthday and just seeing his face makes me happy.

Skinny Cow ice cream—when I don’t eat two at a time.

Sunshine—L.A. drives me nuts but January weather can’t be beat.

Time to blog—Making time. It feels good.

It’s January. I know, mostly from blogging, that I get depressed about this time every year. It ain’t lack of sunshine either. I’ve got plenty. I feel all right this year, though, despite a disastrous Christmas. My mom threw me out of the house because of the essays I sent her last October. She’d disown me if she knew I had this blog …

But I’m here and probably more comfortable in my own skin than I’ve maybe ever been. I’m proud I’m a writer and proud of what I write. I’m a good person with my own point of view. I like people. For the most part, they like me back.

I fear that I gained all of the weight back that I lost last year on Weight Watchers. I haven’t gotten on the scales because I don’t want to know. I can see it when I look in the mirror and catch myself thinking that it looks a little like a fat suit. Alas.

The year is young. It’s going to be a good year. I love my husband. I’ve finished the first draft of my novel. Life is good. Hope you’re feeling so too.

This week’s joys:

Ordering stuff in the Bath and Bodyworks 75% off sale with $1 shipping—candles, body wash, and foaming hand soap!

A kind email from my mentor

No cavities at the dentist

A hot shower followed by a hot cup of coffee

Coffee, Mmm

I have one resolution for 2012 and that is to keep a weekly To Do list. One list is for things that nourish me. The second is for errands. I want to write them both at the start of each week, on Sundays.

This first week of the year, I have yoga, meditation, and massage on my nourishment list. I have listed to set up a credit union account, begin revising the first draft of my novel, and order more allergy medication on my secondary list. Voila! Balance in two pages or less.

I’m also doing one other thing, though it’s not a resolution. One list has: buy new stationery with a fancy wax seal. The other has: write thank you notes to the ten people that touched my life most last year. It might be a new tradition for New Year’s Day, though we’ll have to see if it makes the To Do list on December 31st, 2012.

Happy New Year!

Reblogged from glamour: Hidden within the packaging for Kate Spade’s Twirl fragrance (image above).

Me, on the other hand: she has a Diet Coke in hand and a towel around her hair. Kate can have glamour. I’ve found happiness.

May your hearts be light and your season bright. May many blessing bring joy to your life today and all through the year. Happy Holidays!