I had to learn a tough lesson this week and that is that just because I’m ready for therapy, doesn’t mean that everyone else is, too. I’ll admit it. I’ve been a little bit like a drive-by Dr. Phil, telling it like it is wherever I go. Secret Fifty-Three, Revealed. Honest insights are not always welcome.

First, here’s an example of how it’s going well for me. My husband said that he realized on the phone with his parents that sometimes he’s grumpy with them even when he’s not in a bad mood. I said that’s because he doesn’t feel like he can be his true self with his parents without being judged, so he puts on an act to talk to them. Being grumpy is the most protective act he can take on since it puts his parents on the defensive. He actually thanked me for that insight but my husband is in a place where he’s ready to face the hard stuff head-on. Lucky for me—and him—because I’m all up in the grill of that mode right now.

Here’s where that brand of honesty goes sour. A friend of mine recently told her husband that she’d been cheating on him. His former two spouses had also cheated on him. As my friend is telling me about how she didn’t even enjoy the cheating, that it was more of a compulsion, I tell her that while cheating is absolutely wrong, a marriage is based on the habits of two people whose patterns play into each other. If his first two wives were also cheaters then this pattern is as much his as it is hers, and that when they both recognize the pattern, and can each work toward feeling that they are truly worthy of love, then they’ll be able to break the cycle that is damaging their marriage. So, she kindly thanked me but said she would process that information some other time when she was less raw. That was my first sort of warning shot as to maybe, even when people are seeking my advice, giving the brutally honest account is maybe not the best way forward.

But I desperately want it for myself. That’s why I’m doling it out. I crave being told exactly what’s going on, the stuff I can’t see. After having my first therapy session down, I see I’m going to get that from professional help. I liked her. She seemed to gel with me. It’ll be good. In the meantime, though, I’m finding it really hard not to talk about what’s going on with me to my close friends, and not all of those friends are willing to help me cope right now. It’s making me panic. I see people looking at me like I’m growing two heads or addressing me as if I’m a bomb that might explode.

Here’s what I’m learning. Friendship is not a straight give and take. I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of my friends’ spin-off therapy thoughts. I assumed that when I was ready for mine, that they would all bravely walk with me through it. Not so. Because I guess you can’t go through all of those deep psychological thoughts with someone without also examining yourself, and we’re not always ready to look at ourselves even when our friends are. Sometimes we just want to sit back and enjoy life instead. I get it but it also kind of hurts. But I get it. Friends have to put on their own oxygen masks before they can help with mine, so I’ve got to stick to the people who are currently wearing theirs.

I’ve found the three people that are willing to take me through this, and they’re not the people who I helped through similar times. One newer friend, one older friend, and my husband. I’m really lucky to have three! They are, too, since it spreads out my crazy into more manageable amounts, I think.

They’re my people that are looking right at the ugly, the crazy, the puddle that I am right now and saying, “Bring it on” and “I love you no matter what” and “I’m really glad you’re doing this now.” I’m reminding myself that it doesn’t mean that the other people in my life don’t also feel that way about me, but not everyone is ready to walk the deep self-reflection road right now. Not everybody wants to hear it like it is and certainly don’t want to come out of their comfort zone to tell me how it is. I’m glad that I have a few friends who are and really glad that one of them is my husband.