Cartoon reblogged via missdorothykilgallen: thoudostwish

In class last week we had an epic battle of men vs. women. We’d read a short story by Russell Banks called Sarah Cole: A Type of Love Story. Basically it is about a beautiful man who sleeps with an ugly woman for the thrill of it, and a sexual relationship ensues.

The battle erupted when a man in my class referred to the woman as crazy. It’s as if the word “crazy” ignited the dormanant crazy within some of my female classmates.

“You call that crazy? He slept with her as a kick and when she falls in love with him then you call that crazy. This is the problem with men.” I’m not sure if I quoted the first part exactly right since I was on the edge of my seat instead of taking notes, but that last line was definitely word-for-word. This is the problem with men.

So, I wasn’t seeing it that way, although I would have a year ago, pre-couples counseling. What I saw in the story was that both adults were responsible for their behavior. He wanted to sleep with her because she was ugly. She wanted to sleep with him because he was gorgeous. Neither fell in love, but the problem came when she wanted to show off her catch to her friends and he didn’t want to be seen with her. They were both using each other.

Here’s another story. Before counseling, my husband and I used to have this stupid little battle concerning my friend, The Principal’s Daughter. She lived on the south side of London, owned her own place, and commuted an hour further south for work. Her boyfriend lived on the east side with his sister and road his bike to work. She wanted him to live with her. He liked his living arrangements as is, didn’t want to move in with her, but also wanted a deeper relationship. My husband argued that he shouldn’t have to give up his comfortable life to live with her just because she owned her place and he didn’t. I argued that if he loved her, he should cut the ties with his sister and man up to a commute.

We got into bitter arguements because this was not about The Principal’s Daughter and her boyfriend. This was about us. He felt like I made him give up too much of what he wanted in life for the sake of love. I had a similar complaint about him. Secret Thirty-Three, Revealed. After thirteen months of therapy, I’m here to tell you that the feeling of being shorted for the sake of the person you love is primarily just what it feels like to compromise. It’s what a lifetime commitment feels like, and it’s time for us to woman up, too, and get over it.

So I feel differently now when I see classic wars of the sexes. I see through to the choices made by both. Rarely is there a victim. We’re all smart people looking out for our best interests. We make decisions based on what we want, even if we regret them later. Do I think the woman from the story is crazy? No, I think she’s trying to get what she wants, and I think he’s trying to do the same. I think compromise busted them up, and I think married couples have to face it or they bust up, too.

My husband and I finally agreed that The Principal’s Daughter should sell her place and they should both buy a place together with equal commutes, even though we mutually agreed that they’d both get short ends of the stick. Their living arrangements would not be as comfortable as before but they’d be together, which is what mattered.

(On a side note, in case you’re curious, he did eventually give in and move in with her. SCORE for the home team! I may be enlightened about my own marriage, but I still love to see a woman win a good battle.)